Burnout… again?

I have been feeling extremely bitter towards work lately which has sacked any sort of motivation and enjoyment that I use to have to when I was at work.  In my last couple sessions with my therapist I have been discussing how I have been feeling towards work and towards everything. I told her that this bitterness is getting really close to being anger/frustration. In my session about 3 weeks ago she cautioned me on this bitter feeling and telling me that if I don’t work on letting it go it can have bad side effects.

Well, that brings me up to this week. In my session on Monday, she asked how things were, and with a soft mono tone voice, I stated, Still bitter, still angry… still wish I could run away and find a new job. this is when we discussed Burnout.  She is telling me that I am on the verge of burnout and that I need to start focusing on things that bring me joy, gets me away from work and essentially find that work life balance.  I didn’t realize I was back, but according to a video she sent me its common to feel no burn out when you change a new position (1-2 years)… and guess what I am working towards year number 2 in this position.

I was burned out once before in this company as a supervisor. I use to work 48 hour weeks and not bat an eye until the politics, and plain out stupidness occurred at work. that’s when the burnout hit.

This round of burnout seems so much different though, or maybe it isn’t I just have been extremely good at covering up.  I feel so exhausted lately, and I use to chalk it up to my anxiety tiring me out, and I just do not have it in me anymore to give my 100% that I use to. The things I use to find joy in at work, I find it’s a daunting task that just has to get done. I use to love all the data analysis, all the meetings with the higher ups, the face time with the client, Now all I want to do is sit alone away from everyone and attempt to concentrate on something else.  Each day I feel as if I completed a marathon run. It’s the same routine. Wake up, get ready, get coffee, go to work, put on a fake face, pretend to enjoy your day/life until 5 pm, come up, cook supper and relax.. knowing you have to repeat it over and over again.

I don’t want to be a complete negative nancy here, I am rather thankful that this time around I have a good support system of friends, and a therapist to help get me through this.  Until my next session, I really need to focus on some life things and strive away from work. I need to focus on the joys of life so that when I do get to work, its does not feel like it’s torture.

In closing, I am just burned out! I am essentially an empty shell on auto pilot until I get out of work. I’m a different person when I’m away from work!

Regards,

The Burnt out Anxious Mind

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When the panic sinks in

Standing in line at a grocery store is not when I want to experience anxiety. Deciding if the lunch I am buying is worth it or can I drop my stuff and find the nearest exit.  I instantly try to talk to myself, saying you got this, it’s just a little anxiety you can control it, you just need to breath. 

I manage to purchase my lunch and start the trek back to work. As I creep closer and closer to the building I feel a sense of panic set in.  I find myself trying to find an alternate route so I don’t run into anyone. I really can’t handle a conversation, I really can’t devote any of my energy to you. I need to be selfish and conserve as much energy I can so I can mask this. 

I feel as though all my actions are being observed by onlookers, important people are around me, looking, judging… wondering about me.

If only you knew what was going on in my head? As I’m sitting here with my headphones blaring and writing this post, I glance at the time and more panic sets in, why why now? 

The panic is real, and I just want to hide away to conserve all the energy I can so I can deal with this day.

The Anxious Mind

The Anxious Mind with Anxious Thoughts

Anxiety has been extremely high this week and that isn’t a mystery. I had a lot of work to do and little time to do it. I am flying out to San Jose on Monday, and I have never left Canada before. The more and more I’m thinking about it the more and more I feel that pit of anxiety growing.

This is going to be a great trip, it’s a Business trip; but nonetheless going to be a great time.

I don’t think that is all I’m anxious about right now though….

When I get into a mindset of anxious thoughts, I get anxious thoughts about everything. I start slipping into that “what if” mindset and it is essentially leaving me paralyzed. It is leaving me paralyzed to the point where I do not want to go out tonight, because I’m wondering if people are friends with me or just friends with K and I am the by product because we are together… It’s these stupid thoughts that consume my mind. That make me want to just give my head a shake and go WTF?

Its these thoughts that make me wonder if I was the one that started selecting who I hang out with or did they just stop including me? Its these stupid things that make sleep non-existent and my mind work against me.

Maybe I am starting to see why my Therapist wanted me to book appointments in advance…..

All I know is…….

My thoughts are what control me, and I have been working so hard for me to control my thoughts.

 

Regards,

The Anxious Mind

Down with the Sickness

It’s been two days now with this horrible cold that is sucking the life out of me. The cold pills just knock me out so I’m essentially sleeping 12-14 hours a day. 

Though I must say I think my immune system is relatively back on track to what it use to be and I want to chalk that up to the less stress and anxiety I feel. 

Last year I was sick a lot, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. There were months where I was sick for majority of it and it wasn’t a little cold it was full blown sickness. Since I’ve been taking this anxiety and depression by the horns I can’t remember the lastime I was actually this sick.

It really goes to show how anxiety and stress can really affect your overall health!

Well that was just a thought and now it’s time to pass out again. 

Regards

The anxious mind!