Burnout and a Bunch of Mix Thoughts

I’m emotionally burnt out right now. I haven’t felt this emotionally drained in so long. I feel so exhausted trying to ensure that my mental state doesn’t affect my job, my relationship and my friendships. 

I have been struggling a lot to keep up with everything that I am so exhausted. I’m even too exhausted to fight this anxiety. 

Because of this emotional burnout my anxiety really got a hold of me yesterday. It was so bad that if I wasn’t talking to a dear friend, I’m pretty sure those dark thoughts would have taken over. 

I really struggle with those dark thoughts and yesterday they were creeping in and completely taking over my thoughts.  Little does anyone know but think about life and not existing in it a lot. I think about how the people I surround myself would be much better off without me.  The last few days I’ve purposely shut myself off from the world and only invites the ones I want in. 

Yesterday’s conversation with my friend really helped me get everything out and mentally prepare to leave the house.. even when I was finding all of the excuses  why I should stay home.

When I go through things like this, trust is always a huge factor. I don’t talk to people about things like this if I don’t trust you. This friend is probably one of a few people I trust completely, probably explains why I can talk to them so freely.

Eventually I started snapping back into what I call a normal state, with a hint of anxiety… instead of the other way around.

I managed to go ahead with my plans, met up with a friend and had afternoon drinks…. a lot of them… I no longer felt anxious, I was able to laugh and I was able to be worry free for a few hours.

I still feel burnt out from the week, and I’m looking forward to my two extra days off, however I’m content for now. I’m hoping to stay content and not be anxious today.. I can handle another emotional breakdown

Blue October-Not Broken Anymore

You know that Music is a form of my Therapy in trying to explain how I feel and sometimes it can express the feelings better than I can articulate.
This song, Not Broken Anymore, has been my anthem while going through this Anxiety.
My Interpretation of the song is that I am battle Anxiety, as it manifests itself into something physical, like a physical being,  And it’s the internal struggle of letting go and trying to build myself up again and not be “broken anymore”.
its the struggle of being set free, but understanding the mind game that anxiety plays. The fact that anxiety makes you think a certain way, makes you act a certain way and it all becomes scary when it’s no longer controlling you.
This song gives me hope that I will eventually not be broken anymore, as long as I try to control it

I know how to let you leave
How am I suppose to let you go?
Now you stand in front of me
And all the rain is turning into snow

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’ve seen the empty deep
I’ve damned up the water flow
You’re the touchstone my complete
You’re the ship that kept me afloat

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with all the taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

And I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

Yeah and I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’m not broken anymore

To Disappear 

“That was before I learned how to Disappear”

I have been listening to this song on repeat for a while now, and although there is a different meaning to the song. There is a line in the song that I feel rather close to.

The line goes “That was before I learned how to Disappear”. I have trouble describing in words really how I have been feeling and every time I listen to this song it just resonates with me. I feel as though I am finding ways to disappear, without really realizing it. It just really makes me reflect on what am I doing here.  

Sometimes when I listen to that particular line I often wonder what life would be if I disappeared… not disappear life but just runaway from what I’m going through now and just start my life over somewhere else. It’s that ideology of running away from what scares me and so I have been slowly learning how to disappear. I have been learning to keep my friendship circles small, learned not to make commitments and have learned that it’s extremely exhausting trying to face all of this.

Another part of the song towards the end goes: “I lose sight of the miracle, Find myself going round and round in circles” and I really believe that is how my life is going right now. I get so caught up in my head and these thoughts that I often lose sight on what is actually happening. I know I am not going anywhere but because I am so lost in my thoughts sometimes I just lose sight on a lot of things.

If you really knew me you’d understand that music is something that has really helped me explain my struggles sometimes. There are always songs that I particularly get attached too, and it is usually just choruses or certain lines. And the two I have mentioned here has really been something on my mind lately. 

I have a whole playlist that I listen to on repeat when I just need to find ways to describe my thoughts. It’s the only way I feel safe sometimes. 

Here is that playlist: That Moment When….. 
Sorry for the early morning rambles, and the fact that this post seems rather scrambled. I just had to get something written out. I’ve written a lot lately and for once my head is starting to feel lighter.

Regards

The Anxious Mind

Yearend Update

Hello WordPress,

Just a heads up this going to be a massive update, I know I haven’t made a good post in a while so this is my way of making it up.   I will divide it under headlines so if anything sticks out you can just jump there or Hell grab a coffee and start reading through.

Anxiety/Depression Update

Let’s get into it, Anxiety and Depression update. October was my last therapy session and I can honestly say I think it might have been my last. I have been coping quite well with the anxieties of my life and understanding my triggers. I can’t say I have been anxiety free, though I know I have been at the lowest point of anxiety I could ever see myself at

I am quite happy with where my life is at and I think that is half the battle with anxiety. Understanding that I cannot control everything, things happen for a reason and if situations arise that cause me great deals of anxiety that I need to understand that its out of my control, but I personally do not need to be out of control.

Though I do recognize that I still need to work on some things, and understanding some of my social anxiety triggers. When I am surrounded by certain people it sends me in a fight/flight mode. I battle with my anxieties and tend to self-medicate with alcohol. I know I use this as a way to “loosen” up when things get tense and anxieties fly. Recognizing this, I know it is something I need to work on in the future and find alternative methods to handle social anxiety stresses

On the Depression front, I still have down days. I still have days where I don’t want to leave the house, don’t feel motivated to do anything and struggle to focus.  These feelings do not usually last as long as they use to and I often find ways to focus my negative energy on something else.  Depression was a huge thing for me in the past, however not so much as I’ve gotten older. Occasionally the black dog visits and I try to just let him do his thing and move on.

All in all Anxiety and Depression no longer run my life, With the social supports that I have, the therapy I went through and the coping skills I have learned. I no longer let anxiety control everything about my life.

Mental Health Year Recap

This leads to my next topic. My mental health year.  2016, although I had other plans, became my mental health year. This was the year that I finally took a stand to handle my mental illness and start taking charge of my life.  It started with re-evaluating my relationships with people and cutting out toxic relationships. I found that even taking that step had helped a lot on my mental health. It also helps strengthen my support system. by focusing my energy on my support system, it allowed me to build the friendships that I hold so dear to my heart. There are people in my life now that I can honestly say I’d be lost without them being a part of it.

The next step of my mental health year was finally admitting that I needed more help than my friends/support system could provide at the time. With the help of a dear friend, I finally took the big step and referred myself to a counseling service.  things moved really fast, what was suppose to be a 3-month waiting list turned into a month waiting list for my first session on May 26th, 2016.

I had therapy sessions from May to about October 2016, these sessions allowed me to talk out my issues, learn new skills and essentially give me the confidence I needed to attack the things that caused a great deal of anxiety in my life. It also allowed me to enjoy life for the first time without worry beyond belief and being crippled by anxiety.

With therapy and my new found circle of friends, this year has been filled with amazing experiences and allowed for 2016 to be my mental health year.

Health Year 2017

Now that I have my head on straight, its time to focus on a healthy lifestyle. I know some of you might be thinking, isn’t mental health wellness and health connected. That you have to be healthy to help battle your mental health. I would have to agree, however, I found that I really needed to grab my mental health by the horns and really focus on that first. Next step health, I’ve learned that I have to focus on manageable goals, not huge things that won’t get accomplished.

So 2017, will be my health year, Healthy eating, healthy life and slowly cut out bad foods and habits. Yes, I know it kinda sounds like a new years resolution, but in a way it really is. I just am one of those people that would rather prefer start on the first of the year (lol)

I am looking forward to this journey of making my life better and I am glad that I am finally starting to figure this so call life out.

General Life Update

Lastly, some general updates on my life in the last few months.

My parents came down for a winter vacation to visit the family and take care of some things. This was also perfect timing as they were expecting their first grandbaby. Yup folks that’s right, In December I became an aunty to a cute little niece. She is still pretty new, which means I have been kinda hesitant to pick her up and stuff. You know that fear of breaking her.

Right now I am just relaxing for the holidays, I managed to get 11 days off for Christmas vacation so I have been neglecting anything work related and just sit back and relax. I know it will be a little anxiety rise come January 3rd, when I return to work, however, I’ll probably start weeding out my email the night before 😛

Well if you made it this far, Thank you!  2016 has been a hectic year, however, it was one of my better years when it came to taking care of myself.

Regards,

The Anxious Mind.

Its Been Awhile

Hello WordPress People,

I know I haven’t been really active lately and I apologize. I have been pretty busy with work and other life events that have left me exhausted and unable to write.

Unfortunately, this post may not be much of an update, as I don’t have a whole lot of time before I am off to work for the day. Luckily I have Christmas vacation starting on Friday so maybe I will have time to write about some of the ideas that have been floating around in my head.

In the last couple of months, although work has been busy I have been pretty anxious free. Of course it never fully goes away, but I have learned quite well to cope with it.  Last week I had a pretty down day, it was difficult to get through it. With the support of some friends, i was able to make it through that day.

A couple little updates as well

  • I am an aunt now ( Sister in Law had a baby girl)
  • I’m off for 11 days over Christmas

 

Sorry for this short and random post. I promise now that everything is moved over to this main blog again You will start seeing more updates!

 

Regards,

The Anxious Mind

Mr.Anxiety and His Black Dog

img_1186The last couple days I have been struggling with my thoughts and trying to focus on the lighter side of things. It’s becoming another challenge, Mr. Anxiety, and his black dog are trying to take over my thoughts again, especially his dog.

Last night while trying to enjoy the night and live music I found myself extremely distracted and unable to really focus on conversations. The picture you see on the left is just a beer coaster that just got demolished by my distracted thoughts and my inability to really get out of my head.  Even the people I was with commented on this even before I realized what my mind and hands were doing.

This to me is a sign that something isn’t right and there is something bothering me.  Maybe there is. Maybe the fact that I don’t feel as close to anyone as I use to before, that is just someone’s  girlfriend and that the friends I made aren’t my friends but really I’m just friends with them due to the fact that he is around. Listen to that, isn’t that the anxiety talking there. I’ve been just noticing that I don’t contribute to the conversations as much as before, and nor what I have to say seems to be of importance. Ugh again the anxiety speaking here. As my therapist used to say, is there any proof of this? is this accurate? what have you done to make this a valid thought?

I don’t know I’m just finding myself slipping away again, I don’t even really want to go anywhere today, but I know I want to socialize because I will kick myself in the butt for wasting a Saturday/weekend.  I just kinda want to stay home and hang out with my new addition to the family, Mork ( Crested Gecko). I then won’t have to socialize with the world….

I think the Black dog is really trying to kick me down and keep me there…..