Couple Dark Days

It has been a couple dark days lately where the demons inside are grasping their hands around my neck and while I am slowly gasping for air, my mind starts screaming at me to give up.

This week has been particularly difficult for me. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I am really trying to get ahead of the game and own anxiety instead of it owning me, but it is too strong.  I am trying to be the strong willed person that everyone knows me as, but it is extremely exhausting and I am so close to giving up the fight. I am so exhausted from insomnia, the constant racing thoughts, the panic attacks. That if it wasn’t for the conversations I have had this week. I’m sure that ounce of sanity that I always talk about would be gone.

Last night when I had to be strong, I couldn’t. I bolted, I ran and I felt a little part of me leave. Anxiety always gives me the fight or flight reaction and I choose the flight. I get out of the situation and I don’t ever want to come back.

Last night when I ran, that ounce of sanity said pick up the phone and call the next person you can call. Luckily I did. It helped for the moment for me to stop panicking, hold back any sort of mental break. Down from the public.

Last night, I broke down… silently as the tears roll down my face, as music blasts in the car and we are driving aimlessly around. I’m breaking a lot these days, the ability to hold everything together is starting to fall apart. Like the adhesive is faulty and the cracks are slowly coming undone.

I know today is a new day, and I will put as much effort that I have left from this exhausted mind, body, and soul… and try to hold it together. Try to be strong, and try to wrap my hands around anxiety and let it gasp for air.

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To Disappear 

“That was before I learned how to Disappear”

I have been listening to this song on repeat for a while now, and although there is a different meaning to the song. There is a line in the song that I feel rather close to.

The line goes “That was before I learned how to Disappear”. I have trouble describing in words really how I have been feeling and every time I listen to this song it just resonates with me. I feel as though I am finding ways to disappear, without really realizing it. It just really makes me reflect on what am I doing here.  

Sometimes when I listen to that particular line I often wonder what life would be if I disappeared… not disappear life but just runaway from what I’m going through now and just start my life over somewhere else. It’s that ideology of running away from what scares me and so I have been slowly learning how to disappear. I have been learning to keep my friendship circles small, learned not to make commitments and have learned that it’s extremely exhausting trying to face all of this.

Another part of the song towards the end goes: “I lose sight of the miracle, Find myself going round and round in circles” and I really believe that is how my life is going right now. I get so caught up in my head and these thoughts that I often lose sight on what is actually happening. I know I am not going anywhere but because I am so lost in my thoughts sometimes I just lose sight on a lot of things.

If you really knew me you’d understand that music is something that has really helped me explain my struggles sometimes. There are always songs that I particularly get attached too, and it is usually just choruses or certain lines. And the two I have mentioned here has really been something on my mind lately. 

I have a whole playlist that I listen to on repeat when I just need to find ways to describe my thoughts. It’s the only way I feel safe sometimes. 

Here is that playlist: That Moment When….. 
Sorry for the early morning rambles, and the fact that this post seems rather scrambled. I just had to get something written out. I’ve written a lot lately and for once my head is starting to feel lighter.

Regards

The Anxious Mind

Day After Day

It’s the day after my therapy session and I feel a sense of relief. All of the thoughts troubling my brain have been spoken about and analyzed to pieces. I think therapy has really allowed me to see the things that are causing my issues to build and getting them before they can take over.

In my last session we really talked about my inability to sleep, we tried to narrow down some of the causes and problems that might be contributing to this sleep problem that I am not even aware of. The one thing we kept hitting on was how connected I am with work; even when I do not have to be.

Let me explain; When I became a supervisor we were all given a secondary email, this was for anything work related and communication from the bosses, the client and overall all company information. I found myself always coming into work not sure what to expect, so I use to check my work email all the time. Just before I left work, at home, just before going to bed, and then right before my shift. This way I could prepare myself for what to expect. It was a coping mechanism for my anxiety to help be in control.

For a long time this coping mechanism worked for me, although the boss didn’t like that I was looking at work stuff outside of work time. I still did it. It made me less anxious when I went into work and allowed me to feel prepared for the shift

Now that I am no longer a supervisor and I am in my current role, the same mentality is in place. I check my email all the time and I’m always thinking about work and what needs to be done.

This was one of the things my therapist believes is interfering with my ability to relax which is then affecting my ability to sleep. Inability to relax, I will touch on this more later.

Its interesting, how one small thing that I have been so connected to, and not even realizing what I am doing; could be a potential trigger to why I am not sleeping well. So you know what resulted out of that huge conversation. The fact that I need to slowly wean myself away from this work stuff and it’s going to suck. It’s going to suck not knowing what I’m walking into at work. So far I have been pretty good with the whole thing, but I also find myself with idle hands and always about to check it. I even decided to get up early and go to work instead of working late last night. #winning.

In other news, my therapist schedule is booking up quite fast; in fact she told me that she is booking right up into January. I know I don’t need to see her as frequently as I use to, and in fact I think I’m doing quite well on a 1 session every 3 weeks or so; however it kind of alarms me that it might not be until January when I can get an appointment. What if something happens if I become unmanageable with my anxiety that I fall back into the darkness I was before. Just that thought scares me. I don’t want to be who I was before. I didn’t like that person; and I struggle and fight every day not to fall back to being that person.

I don’t feel as though I need to see her as much. Though I do know when I do get to a point where everything piles up and I need help to sort it out in my brain; what do I do? Should I make appointments ahead of time, in hopes that I can cancel them if I don’t need them or wait until it comes to the point of a near panic attack mental break down before I make the appointment and have to wait.

As I’m writing this, I just see my anxiety taking over. I see it worrying about things that haven’t even happen or hell might not even happen.

I just finished a day of work and I’m beyond exhausted; however I find myself sitting here with my brain on hyper drive thinking about everything. I noticed that when work becomes unbearably busy and demanding I become scattered and on the verge of a stress related anxiety attack. Today my computer was on the fritz and people were demanding things from me. I just felt myself get to a point where it almost broke the camels back. Luckily I was able to recognize this trigger and change my focus on to something else.

That alone, being able to recognize my trigger and change my thought process, proves that I am doing better then I think and that if I don’t see my therapist in a few months. I am sure she has equipped me with all the tools I need to survive.

Earlier in the post I mentioned my Inability to relax. Its true; I have an extremely hard time relaxing. When I arrived to work today I was yawning because I was just sleepy. One of my co-workers asked me if I slept last night and of course the answer is yes I slept. The amount of sleep on the other hand is something to question. She mentioned that I needed to relax more so I can sleep. The reality is I cant. I don’t know how. My brain doesn’t like it when its relaxed. My therapist suggested some tense and release sort of relaxation exercises to do. I tried to do one last night before bed and I just found myself getting anxious and more panicky. As I was trying to focus on the voice and the instructions I found my brain wandering and just feeling the symptoms of anxiety creeping up. As soon as I stopped, I felt better.

I will give it another shot later, but for now im just going to try and hope I can relax and not have to keep my brain occupied.

Well this is quite a long post,

Regards,

The Anxious Mind