10 Things to do for Self-care

This is my first post with my new MacBook. So, I thought I would make it a good one! In my last few sessions with my Therapist, we discussed Self-care and how I need to focus on that a little bit more.  I decided to look at the 10 things I do personally for Self-Care to ensure that I am taking care of myself during the times of high Anxiety/Depression

  • Writing
    • Writing is an important piece in my self-care. When I am having a rough day I find writing is the best thing for me to work out my thoughts, help get things out of my head and essentially document my struggles so I keep track of the good and bad days.  I don’t show my writing to a lot of my friends, and that is simply because I don’t want to have to answer more questions and have concerned friends.
    • There is therapy in writing and I feel odd when I don’t get a chance to write a blog post, the thoughts stay in my head which causes my brain to overfill with all of these thoughts, problems, and anxiety.
  • Live Music
    • The second piece of my self-care is Live Music, I need to get a fix of live music at least once or twice a week. Just simply being at a pub or concert venue and watching the guitar solos, the drum beats. It just a good way to feel better. Music is a huge part of my self-care and helping me cope with my anxiety. I feel at a loss when there are weeks without live music. I crave it just as much as someone craves a chocolate bar.
  • Playing an Instrument
    • Within the last year and a bit, I picked up an acoustic guitar and started learning how to play. I found that this helped me stay grounded when I was experiencing high anxiety. If I was anxious, and I couldn’t sit still because the anxious thoughts would fill my mind, I would pick up my guitar and learn a new song. There was just something about playing my guitar that has helped me out in so many anxious situations.
  • Listening to Music (Spotify, Apple Music)
    • When I can’t experience Live Music, or Play my Guitar the next best thing is listening to music. I mostly do this at work when I am feeling stressed out and anxious. Depending on the day, my music tastes will change, its mostly old 70s rock or classics.
  • Laughing
    • Laughing is a key factor in Self-care, being surrounded by people who make you laugh instantly help to make me feel better. It helps keep my mind off things and of course, there are some internal chemical improvements when you laugh and essentially feel happy.
  • Camping
    • This is new on the list before I was never really a camper. I often chose to miss out on camping trips because of the hassle. Now I crave them. I enjoy a quiet camping trip with close friends. Where we can sit outside in the fresh air, around the camp fire and just feel relaxed. It’s now apart of the self-care list, at least for the summer months
  • Walks on the Beach hearing the waves
    • This is essential, I find that when I’m having a crummy week I just want to walk the beach, hear the waves and smell the salt water. I luck out that I live around a lot of nice beaches so this really helps with keeping me calm and helping me feel relaxed.

The last three on the list of my top 10 things I do for self-care are ones I struggle with and I often sacrifice one of them for the other.

  • Sleep
    • I barely sleep which affects my self-care, however, when I am able to rest my weary mind from doing the one of the first 7, I find I can focus on sleep. On the weeks that I can sleep, I feel better and I feel as though I can handle what is thrown at me. On the weeks that I can’t, this self-care suffers the most.
  • Healthy Eating
    • I try to eat as healthy as possible, when we cook meals at home there is always a protein, vegetable and often a carb. I find that having a balanced meal really helps. I do however struggle with eating breakfast and often settle for a cup of black coffee. I still think healthy eating is a good part of a self-care regimen
  • Exercise
    • Lastly, Exercise is a crucial part of self-care that I have often neglected, however when I was an active gym goer I really felt great. I felt like the hormones being released from exercising help my anxiety and depression, allowed me to concentrate at work and help with the previous two self-care ( sleep and healthy eating). Right now this is piece isn’t happening.. but all in due time and when this knee injury fully heals.

There you have it, folks, my 10 things for Self-Care. I am really trying to stay on the wagon and keep Self-Care apart of my daily routine and if not daily at least weekly. I always thought self-care was some baloney that people said they needed to do, I never really believed it until I started to talk about it with my therapist.

I finally understand the importance of self-care and I hope everyone practices Self-care regardless if they struggle with mental health issues or not.

Regards,

The Anxious Mind.

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Burnout and a Bunch of Mix Thoughts

I’m emotionally burnt out right now. I haven’t felt this emotionally drained in so long. I feel so exhausted trying to ensure that my mental state doesn’t affect my job, my relationship and my friendships. 

I have been struggling a lot to keep up with everything that I am so exhausted. I’m even too exhausted to fight this anxiety. 

Because of this emotional burnout my anxiety really got a hold of me yesterday. It was so bad that if I wasn’t talking to a dear friend, I’m pretty sure those dark thoughts would have taken over. 

I really struggle with those dark thoughts and yesterday they were creeping in and completely taking over my thoughts.  Little does anyone know but think about life and not existing in it a lot. I think about how the people I surround myself would be much better off without me.  The last few days I’ve purposely shut myself off from the world and only invites the ones I want in. 

Yesterday’s conversation with my friend really helped me get everything out and mentally prepare to leave the house.. even when I was finding all of the excuses  why I should stay home.

When I go through things like this, trust is always a huge factor. I don’t talk to people about things like this if I don’t trust you. This friend is probably one of a few people I trust completely, probably explains why I can talk to them so freely.

Eventually I started snapping back into what I call a normal state, with a hint of anxiety… instead of the other way around.

I managed to go ahead with my plans, met up with a friend and had afternoon drinks…. a lot of them… I no longer felt anxious, I was able to laugh and I was able to be worry free for a few hours.

I still feel burnt out from the week, and I’m looking forward to my two extra days off, however I’m content for now. I’m hoping to stay content and not be anxious today.. I can handle another emotional breakdown

Blue October-Not Broken Anymore

You know that Music is a form of my Therapy in trying to explain how I feel and sometimes it can express the feelings better than I can articulate.
This song, Not Broken Anymore, has been my anthem while going through this Anxiety.
My Interpretation of the song is that I am battle Anxiety, as it manifests itself into something physical, like a physical being,  And it’s the internal struggle of letting go and trying to build myself up again and not be “broken anymore”.
its the struggle of being set free, but understanding the mind game that anxiety plays. The fact that anxiety makes you think a certain way, makes you act a certain way and it all becomes scary when it’s no longer controlling you.
This song gives me hope that I will eventually not be broken anymore, as long as I try to control it

I know how to let you leave
How am I suppose to let you go?
Now you stand in front of me
And all the rain is turning into snow

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’ve seen the empty deep
I’ve damned up the water flow
You’re the touchstone my complete
You’re the ship that kept me afloat

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with all the taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

And I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

Yeah and I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’m not broken anymore

To Disappear 

“That was before I learned how to Disappear”

I have been listening to this song on repeat for a while now, and although there is a different meaning to the song. There is a line in the song that I feel rather close to.

The line goes “That was before I learned how to Disappear”. I have trouble describing in words really how I have been feeling and every time I listen to this song it just resonates with me. I feel as though I am finding ways to disappear, without really realizing it. It just really makes me reflect on what am I doing here.  

Sometimes when I listen to that particular line I often wonder what life would be if I disappeared… not disappear life but just runaway from what I’m going through now and just start my life over somewhere else. It’s that ideology of running away from what scares me and so I have been slowly learning how to disappear. I have been learning to keep my friendship circles small, learned not to make commitments and have learned that it’s extremely exhausting trying to face all of this.

Another part of the song towards the end goes: “I lose sight of the miracle, Find myself going round and round in circles” and I really believe that is how my life is going right now. I get so caught up in my head and these thoughts that I often lose sight on what is actually happening. I know I am not going anywhere but because I am so lost in my thoughts sometimes I just lose sight on a lot of things.

If you really knew me you’d understand that music is something that has really helped me explain my struggles sometimes. There are always songs that I particularly get attached too, and it is usually just choruses or certain lines. And the two I have mentioned here has really been something on my mind lately. 

I have a whole playlist that I listen to on repeat when I just need to find ways to describe my thoughts. It’s the only way I feel safe sometimes. 

Here is that playlist: That Moment When….. 
Sorry for the early morning rambles, and the fact that this post seems rather scrambled. I just had to get something written out. I’ve written a lot lately and for once my head is starting to feel lighter.

Regards

The Anxious Mind

5am

I’ve been awake since 5 am, or should I say my mind has been awake since then. I didn’t sleep well last night, my mind was on hyperdrive thinking of all the things I needed to do, all the things that I have no control over and yet as I lay there trying to convince myself that I just need this last hour of sleep my brain doesn’t listen.

As I sit in front of my computer, skimming through Facebook, Youtube, you know the morning routine while I look at the clock dreading the thought of facing the world, masking the struggles and trying to fit in.  I sip my coffee, in hopes that it will fill me with the fake motivation I need to get through the day. As I fight thoughts of Maybe I should call in sick? Trying to syke myself into believing I want to be at work, I want to be around people.

Today I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel depressed…. I just don’t feel anything right now… and I will take this numb feeling over anything else.

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Regards,

The Anxious Mind

Juggling to appear “Normal”

I have been trying to write this post a million times and it just doesn’t want to come out of my head the way I need it too. I am just going to wing it and I apologize now if it just seems like a bunch of rambles.

In today’s therapy session, I talked about how much juggling I have had to do recently in order to feel “normal”.  Let me explain, I have to juggle my anxiety, my depression and then life. It is so exhausting and I often just want to throw up my gloves and just give up.  When I think about giving up I often think about those who have lost the fight with mental health. I think about Robin Williams, Chris Cornell.  I am really focused on Robin Williams, Only because I grew up watching his movies and I really connected with them.

I look back at Robin’s life and the fact he ended is life after dealing with a similar mental illness as me. It really makes me think, If the happiest person in the world (Robin Williams) was so good at juggling his mental illness and his life to just end it, makes me really feel like I have no hope. I feel as though what if I can’t juggle anymore, will this happen to me? Will I just give up? Or is there still an ounce of sanity stating that you can overcome this. Yes, I understand that there are things that went on in their lives that we don’t know about and what they went through doesn’t mean I will go through it the same way.

I want to be clear with you all right now, I don’t want to send anyone into a panic thinking this is some sort of cry for help, this is just thoughts that have been plaguing me every time I hear about a suicide due to mental illness. It has been only recent that I have been able to really articulate how I feel, how this all makes me feel as someone going through these mental illnesses. I brought this up to my therapist today how I often feel like someone is going to freak out when they find out that I think about not existing and how often it is. I find myself shutting down when someone asks me if I thought about suicide.  The reality is I would never do it and as long as I have an ounce of sanity left through this entire battle with mental health illness I will keep this juggling up. When that ounce of sanity starts going away… that’s when I know I am in trouble.

I think to really sum this all up, Sometimes I feel really helpless no matter what sort of break through I might have or the advice I receive. Sometimes I really just want to through my gloves up and just see if I can survive without all of this therapy, the constant checking and the constant battle with my brain.  The fact that I see so many people “give” up or their mental health has gone south that it just makes me feel hopeless sometimes.

I realize that this post went a little dark, but it feels good to get it out in the open. When I went to my therapist today,  we really talked about my fear of letting this stuff out because of my past experiences of expressing how I feel. On a side note, my therapy session today was really groundbreaking and When I can really internalizing everything I will post about that.

This was a really long post and I hope it made sense. It just took a lot to really through this together and make it make sense.

Regards,

The Anxious Mind