Burnout… again?

I have been feeling extremely bitter towards work lately which has sacked any sort of motivation and enjoyment that I use to have to when I was at work.  In my last couple sessions with my therapist I have been discussing how I have been feeling towards work and towards everything. I told her that this bitterness is getting really close to being anger/frustration. In my session about 3 weeks ago she cautioned me on this bitter feeling and telling me that if I don’t work on letting it go it can have bad side effects.

Well, that brings me up to this week. In my session on Monday, she asked how things were, and with a soft mono tone voice, I stated, Still bitter, still angry… still wish I could run away and find a new job. this is when we discussed Burnout.  She is telling me that I am on the verge of burnout and that I need to start focusing on things that bring me joy, gets me away from work and essentially find that work life balance.  I didn’t realize I was back, but according to a video she sent me its common to feel no burn out when you change a new position (1-2 years)… and guess what I am working towards year number 2 in this position.

I was burned out once before in this company as a supervisor. I use to work 48 hour weeks and not bat an eye until the politics, and plain out stupidness occurred at work. that’s when the burnout hit.

This round of burnout seems so much different though, or maybe it isn’t I just have been extremely good at covering up.  I feel so exhausted lately, and I use to chalk it up to my anxiety tiring me out, and I just do not have it in me anymore to give my 100% that I use to. The things I use to find joy in at work, I find it’s a daunting task that just has to get done. I use to love all the data analysis, all the meetings with the higher ups, the face time with the client, Now all I want to do is sit alone away from everyone and attempt to concentrate on something else.  Each day I feel as if I completed a marathon run. It’s the same routine. Wake up, get ready, get coffee, go to work, put on a fake face, pretend to enjoy your day/life until 5 pm, come up, cook supper and relax.. knowing you have to repeat it over and over again.

I don’t want to be a complete negative nancy here, I am rather thankful that this time around I have a good support system of friends, and a therapist to help get me through this.  Until my next session, I really need to focus on some life things and strive away from work. I need to focus on the joys of life so that when I do get to work, its does not feel like it’s torture.

In closing, I am just burned out! I am essentially an empty shell on auto pilot until I get out of work. I’m a different person when I’m away from work!

Regards,

The Burnt out Anxious Mind

“Have you ever read something and it just think to yourself! OMG, they get it”

It has been a while, I know.. I have neglected this again.. don’t be surprised… Life got in the way and I was generally feeling food.. so I didn’t stop to write.!

Things haven’t been the best, but they sure as hell hasn’t been the worst. I have had a lot of pent up thoughts that I am hoping to find the energy to write. Anxiety and Depression are exhausting, especially when you have to hide it from people.

In other news, a friend of mine sent me this link: Panic Attacks, Mental Illness, & The Church’s Dirty Little Secret

Have you ever read something and it just think to yourself! OMG, they get it… Someone else gets it, they understand it, they know exactly how it feels. I read that article and you could almost say I wrote it. Every word, every line it was like they were taking a page out of my book.   Anyway, I suggest taking a peek at the article. I’m just about to read it for the second time.

I’m hoping to have a longer post coming up, I’m still living the high of just turning 30….

Burnout and a Bunch of Mix Thoughts

I’m emotionally burnt out right now. I haven’t felt this emotionally drained in so long. I feel so exhausted trying to ensure that my mental state doesn’t affect my job, my relationship and my friendships. 

I have been struggling a lot to keep up with everything that I am so exhausted. I’m even too exhausted to fight this anxiety. 

Because of this emotional burnout my anxiety really got a hold of me yesterday. It was so bad that if I wasn’t talking to a dear friend, I’m pretty sure those dark thoughts would have taken over. 

I really struggle with those dark thoughts and yesterday they were creeping in and completely taking over my thoughts.  Little does anyone know but think about life and not existing in it a lot. I think about how the people I surround myself would be much better off without me.  The last few days I’ve purposely shut myself off from the world and only invites the ones I want in. 

Yesterday’s conversation with my friend really helped me get everything out and mentally prepare to leave the house.. even when I was finding all of the excuses  why I should stay home.

When I go through things like this, trust is always a huge factor. I don’t talk to people about things like this if I don’t trust you. This friend is probably one of a few people I trust completely, probably explains why I can talk to them so freely.

Eventually I started snapping back into what I call a normal state, with a hint of anxiety… instead of the other way around.

I managed to go ahead with my plans, met up with a friend and had afternoon drinks…. a lot of them… I no longer felt anxious, I was able to laugh and I was able to be worry free for a few hours.

I still feel burnt out from the week, and I’m looking forward to my two extra days off, however I’m content for now. I’m hoping to stay content and not be anxious today.. I can handle another emotional breakdown

When the panic sinks in

Standing in line at a grocery store is not when I want to experience anxiety. Deciding if the lunch I am buying is worth it or can I drop my stuff and find the nearest exit.  I instantly try to talk to myself, saying you got this, it’s just a little anxiety you can control it, you just need to breath. 

I manage to purchase my lunch and start the trek back to work. As I creep closer and closer to the building I feel a sense of panic set in.  I find myself trying to find an alternate route so I don’t run into anyone. I really can’t handle a conversation, I really can’t devote any of my energy to you. I need to be selfish and conserve as much energy I can so I can mask this. 

I feel as though all my actions are being observed by onlookers, important people are around me, looking, judging… wondering about me.

If only you knew what was going on in my head? As I’m sitting here with my headphones blaring and writing this post, I glance at the time and more panic sets in, why why now? 

The panic is real, and I just want to hide away to conserve all the energy I can so I can deal with this day.

The Anxious Mind

The Fog is Clearing

Yesterday was a better day, it wasn’t an amazing day, but it was better. The exhaustion of last weekend was finally laid to rest Sunday evening. A long talk happened and after that, it all started to fall into place. What was foggy, began to clear away.

Dark days are difficult on your own, but when you have to be supportive to someone who is also suffering those dark days, it becomes a real challenge. It really challenges you on your own mental stability, and when all of those anxiety instincts come into place you fight your hardest to stay put and not run away.

When the person who is normally your rock breaks down, it is difficult to watch, experience and be present with them. You get flashbacks of your darkest days and you never ever wish this on anyone. When you see that person breakdown, you wish you could take it away from them so that they can be your rock again. Seeing someone else suffer through what you have suffered through is extremely difficult.

Essentially, Mental illness fucking sucks, there is no better or nicer way to say it. It fucking sucks!

Regards,

The Anxious Mind

Blue October-Not Broken Anymore

You know that Music is a form of my Therapy in trying to explain how I feel and sometimes it can express the feelings better than I can articulate.
This song, Not Broken Anymore, has been my anthem while going through this Anxiety.
My Interpretation of the song is that I am battle Anxiety, as it manifests itself into something physical, like a physical being,  And it’s the internal struggle of letting go and trying to build myself up again and not be “broken anymore”.
its the struggle of being set free, but understanding the mind game that anxiety plays. The fact that anxiety makes you think a certain way, makes you act a certain way and it all becomes scary when it’s no longer controlling you.
This song gives me hope that I will eventually not be broken anymore, as long as I try to control it

I know how to let you leave
How am I suppose to let you go?
Now you stand in front of me
And all the rain is turning into snow

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’ve seen the empty deep
I’ve damned up the water flow
You’re the touchstone my complete
You’re the ship that kept me afloat

Can you tell me that you’re real
So I can really know
That everything I feel I can finally show
Standing next to me oh the person I can be
Is finally here and he won’t back down at all

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

But I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

And I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with all the taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

And I can’t stop thinking
How you just keep making
Sense of all that was broken before

Yeah and I won’t keep faking
‘Cause I’m done with taking
‘Cause with you I’m not broken anymore

I’m not broken anymore

Couple Dark Days

It has been a couple dark days lately where the demons inside are grasping their hands around my neck and while I am slowly gasping for air, my mind starts screaming at me to give up.

This week has been particularly difficult for me. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I am really trying to get ahead of the game and own anxiety instead of it owning me, but it is too strong.  I am trying to be the strong willed person that everyone knows me as, but it is extremely exhausting and I am so close to giving up the fight. I am so exhausted from insomnia, the constant racing thoughts, the panic attacks. That if it wasn’t for the conversations I have had this week. I’m sure that ounce of sanity that I always talk about would be gone.

Last night when I had to be strong, I couldn’t. I bolted, I ran and I felt a little part of me leave. Anxiety always gives me the fight or flight reaction and I choose the flight. I get out of the situation and I don’t ever want to come back.

Last night when I ran, that ounce of sanity said pick up the phone and call the next person you can call. Luckily I did. It helped for the moment for me to stop panicking, hold back any sort of mental break. Down from the public.

Last night, I broke down… silently as the tears roll down my face, as music blasts in the car and we are driving aimlessly around. I’m breaking a lot these days, the ability to hold everything together is starting to fall apart. Like the adhesive is faulty and the cracks are slowly coming undone.

I know today is a new day, and I will put as much effort that I have left from this exhausted mind, body, and soul… and try to hold it together. Try to be strong, and try to wrap my hands around anxiety and let it gasp for air.