Unhappy thoughts

Trying to stay clear of negative thoughts knowing that my surroundings are not as great as they once were. I am struggling Day after day to see the happier side of things.

I don’t want to waste my time here on earth surround by my own thoughts of unhappiness, because in reality my situation isn’t completely unhappy. I have a loving partner, very supportive parents who I get to see once a year, and a job that allows me to keep food on the table and allows me to do new and exciting things.

I don’t know what it is… well that’s scratch that, I know what it is that is causing my unhappiness, but without it.. I will be even more unhappy.

Hopefully with the new found freedom I am going to develop by obtaining my motorcycle license, will help change those unhappy thoughts and feelings to more happy ones.

Eventually I will find the opportunity to leave the sole reason for my unhappiness and feel like I’m really enjoying life.


10 Things to do for Self-care

This is my first post with my new MacBook. So, I thought I would make it a good one! In my last few sessions with my Therapist, we discussed Self-care and how I need to focus on that a little bit more.  I decided to look at the 10 things I do personally for Self-Care to ensure that I am taking care of myself during the times of high Anxiety/Depression

  • Writing
    • Writing is an important piece in my self-care. When I am having a rough day I find writing is the best thing for me to work out my thoughts, help get things out of my head and essentially document my struggles so I keep track of the good and bad days.  I don’t show my writing to a lot of my friends, and that is simply because I don’t want to have to answer more questions and have concerned friends.
    • There is therapy in writing and I feel odd when I don’t get a chance to write a blog post, the thoughts stay in my head which causes my brain to overfill with all of these thoughts, problems, and anxiety.
  • Live Music
    • The second piece of my self-care is Live Music, I need to get a fix of live music at least once or twice a week. Just simply being at a pub or concert venue and watching the guitar solos, the drum beats. It just a good way to feel better. Music is a huge part of my self-care and helping me cope with my anxiety. I feel at a loss when there are weeks without live music. I crave it just as much as someone craves a chocolate bar.
  • Playing an Instrument
    • Within the last year and a bit, I picked up an acoustic guitar and started learning how to play. I found that this helped me stay grounded when I was experiencing high anxiety. If I was anxious, and I couldn’t sit still because the anxious thoughts would fill my mind, I would pick up my guitar and learn a new song. There was just something about playing my guitar that has helped me out in so many anxious situations.
  • Listening to Music (Spotify, Apple Music)
    • When I can’t experience Live Music, or Play my Guitar the next best thing is listening to music. I mostly do this at work when I am feeling stressed out and anxious. Depending on the day, my music tastes will change, its mostly old 70s rock or classics.
  • Laughing
    • Laughing is a key factor in Self-care, being surrounded by people who make you laugh instantly help to make me feel better. It helps keep my mind off things and of course, there are some internal chemical improvements when you laugh and essentially feel happy.
  • Camping
    • This is new on the list before I was never really a camper. I often chose to miss out on camping trips because of the hassle. Now I crave them. I enjoy a quiet camping trip with close friends. Where we can sit outside in the fresh air, around the camp fire and just feel relaxed. It’s now apart of the self-care list, at least for the summer months
  • Walks on the Beach hearing the waves
    • This is essential, I find that when I’m having a crummy week I just want to walk the beach, hear the waves and smell the salt water. I luck out that I live around a lot of nice beaches so this really helps with keeping me calm and helping me feel relaxed.

The last three on the list of my top 10 things I do for self-care are ones I struggle with and I often sacrifice one of them for the other.

  • Sleep
    • I barely sleep which affects my self-care, however, when I am able to rest my weary mind from doing the one of the first 7, I find I can focus on sleep. On the weeks that I can sleep, I feel better and I feel as though I can handle what is thrown at me. On the weeks that I can’t, this self-care suffers the most.
  • Healthy Eating
    • I try to eat as healthy as possible, when we cook meals at home there is always a protein, vegetable and often a carb. I find that having a balanced meal really helps. I do however struggle with eating breakfast and often settle for a cup of black coffee. I still think healthy eating is a good part of a self-care regimen
  • Exercise
    • Lastly, Exercise is a crucial part of self-care that I have often neglected, however when I was an active gym goer I really felt great. I felt like the hormones being released from exercising help my anxiety and depression, allowed me to concentrate at work and help with the previous two self-care ( sleep and healthy eating). Right now this is piece isn’t happening.. but all in due time and when this knee injury fully heals.

There you have it, folks, my 10 things for Self-Care. I am really trying to stay on the wagon and keep Self-Care apart of my daily routine and if not daily at least weekly. I always thought self-care was some baloney that people said they needed to do, I never really believed it until I started to talk about it with my therapist.

I finally understand the importance of self-care and I hope everyone practices Self-care regardless if they struggle with mental health issues or not.


The Anxious Mind.

“Have you ever read something and it just think to yourself! OMG, they get it”

It has been a while, I know.. I have neglected this again.. don’t be surprised… Life got in the way and I was generally feeling good.. so I didn’t stop to write.!

Things haven’t been the best, but they sure as hell hasn’t been the worst. I have had a lot of pent-up thoughts that I am hoping to find the energy to write. Anxiety and Depression are exhausting, especially when you have to hide it from people.

In other news, a friend of mine sent me this link: Panic Attacks, Mental Illness, & The Church’s Dirty Little Secret

Have you ever read something and it just think to yourself! OMG, they get it… Someone else gets it, they understand it, they know exactly how it feels. I read that article and you could almost say I wrote it. Every word, every line it was like they were taking a page out of my book.   Anyway, I suggest taking a peek at the article. I’m just about to read it for the second time.

I’m hoping to have a longer post coming up, I’m still living the high of just turning 30….

Burnout and a Bunch of Mix Thoughts

I’m emotionally burnt out right now. I haven’t felt this emotionally drained in so long. I feel so exhausted trying to ensure that my mental state doesn’t affect my job, my relationship and my friendships. 

I have been struggling a lot to keep up with everything that I am so exhausted. I’m even too exhausted to fight this anxiety. 

Because of this emotional burnout my anxiety really got a hold of me yesterday. It was so bad that if I wasn’t talking to a dear friend, I’m pretty sure those dark thoughts would have taken over. 

I really struggle with those dark thoughts and yesterday they were creeping in and completely taking over my thoughts.  Little does anyone know but think about life and not existing in it a lot. I think about how the people I surround myself would be much better off without me.  The last few days I’ve purposely shut myself off from the world and only invites the ones I want in. 

Yesterday’s conversation with my friend really helped me get everything out and mentally prepare to leave the house.. even when I was finding all of the excuses  why I should stay home.

When I go through things like this, trust is always a huge factor. I don’t talk to people about things like this if I don’t trust you. This friend is probably one of a few people I trust completely, probably explains why I can talk to them so freely.

Eventually I started snapping back into what I call a normal state, with a hint of anxiety… instead of the other way around.

I managed to go ahead with my plans, met up with a friend and had afternoon drinks…. a lot of them… I no longer felt anxious, I was able to laugh and I was able to be worry free for a few hours.

I still feel burnt out from the week, and I’m looking forward to my two extra days off, however I’m content for now. I’m hoping to stay content and not be anxious today.. I can handle another emotional breakdown

When the panic sinks in

Standing in line at a grocery store is not when I want to experience anxiety. Deciding if the lunch I am buying is worth it or can I drop my stuff and find the nearest exit.  I instantly try to talk to myself, saying you got this, it’s just a little anxiety you can control it, you just need to breath. 

I manage to purchase my lunch and start the trek back to work. As I creep closer and closer to the building I feel a sense of panic set in.  I find myself trying to find an alternate route so I don’t run into anyone. I really can’t handle a conversation, I really can’t devote any of my energy to you. I need to be selfish and conserve as much energy I can so I can mask this. 

I feel as though all my actions are being observed by onlookers, important people are around me, looking, judging… wondering about me.

If only you knew what was going on in my head? As I’m sitting here with my headphones blaring and writing this post, I glance at the time and more panic sets in, why why now? 

The panic is real, and I just want to hide away to conserve all the energy I can so I can deal with this day.

The Anxious Mind

The Fog is Clearing

Yesterday was a better day, it wasn’t an amazing day, but it was better. The exhaustion of last weekend was finally laid to rest Sunday evening. A long talk happened and after that, it all started to fall into place. What was foggy, began to clear away.

Dark days are difficult on your own, but when you have to be supportive to someone who is also suffering those dark days, it becomes a real challenge. It really challenges you on your own mental stability, and when all of those anxiety instincts come into place you fight your hardest to stay put and not run away.

When the person who is normally your rock breaks down, it is difficult to watch, experience and be present with them. You get flashbacks of your darkest days and you never ever wish this on anyone. When you see that person breakdown, you wish you could take it away from them so that they can be your rock again. Seeing someone else suffer through what you have suffered through is extremely difficult.

Essentially, Mental illness fucking sucks, there is no better or nicer way to say it. It fucking sucks!


The Anxious Mind