It has been a while, I know.. I have neglected this again.. don’t be surprised… Life got in the way and I was generally feeling good.. so I didn’t stop to write.!
Things haven’t been the best, but they sure as hell hasn’t been the worst. I have had a lot of pent-up thoughts that I am hoping to find the energy to write. Anxiety and Depression are exhausting, especially when you have to hide it from people.
In other news, a friend of mine sent me this link: Panic Attacks, Mental Illness, & The Church’s Dirty Little Secret
Have you ever read something and it just think to yourself! OMG, they get it… Someone else gets it, they understand it, they know exactly how it feels. I read that article and you could almost say I wrote it. Every word, every line it was like they were taking a page out of my book. Anyway, I suggest taking a peek at the article. I’m just about to read it for the second time.
I’m hoping to have a longer post coming up, I’m still living the high of just turning 30….
A friend sent this to me today… It really puts life in perspective.. I thought I would post it on my blog for everyone, and for me when I often return to my posts.
Well shit…. I woke up early (not by choice, but by the brain) and to get ready to head out to my Therapist appointment. Normally I am already up because I head from work to these appointments but since I have two days off and didn’t want to reschedule, I got up and got ready to head out.
As I am sitting on the bus to head out, I get an email from my therapist stating that she’s not feeling well and we have to reschedule. Well… shit… I guess all of these pent up thoughts, feelings, and emotions are going to have to wait until next week? Right.. because my mental breakdown on Saturday… will have to wait until next week to dig into. guess… Normally I’m ok with rescheduling, as often times I psych myself out of these appointments, However, I really needed this one. I really needed to dig deep and figure out what the hell is wrong with my head.
I guess that’s why I am here right now, writing this post. I’m relatively home alone and it’s too damn early to play my guitar… ( brother sleeping)
Well, now I have to fill up my day with stuff, other than cleaning…. ugh…
I’m emotionally burnt out right now. I haven’t felt this emotionally drained in so long. I feel so exhausted trying to ensure that my mental state doesn’t affect my job, my relationship and my friendships.
I have been struggling a lot to keep up with everything that I am so exhausted. I’m even too exhausted to fight this anxiety.
Because of this emotional burnout my anxiety really got a hold of me yesterday. It was so bad that if I wasn’t talking to a dear friend, I’m pretty sure those dark thoughts would have taken over.
I really struggle with those dark thoughts and yesterday they were creeping in and completely taking over my thoughts. Little does anyone know but think about life and not existing in it a lot. I think about how the people I surround myself would be much better off without me. The last few days I’ve purposely shut myself off from the world and only invites the ones I want in.
Yesterday’s conversation with my friend really helped me get everything out and mentally prepare to leave the house.. even when I was finding all of the excuses why I should stay home.
When I go through things like this, trust is always a huge factor. I don’t talk to people about things like this if I don’t trust you. This friend is probably one of a few people I trust completely, probably explains why I can talk to them so freely.
Eventually I started snapping back into what I call a normal state, with a hint of anxiety… instead of the other way around.
I managed to go ahead with my plans, met up with a friend and had afternoon drinks…. a lot of them… I no longer felt anxious, I was able to laugh and I was able to be worry free for a few hours.
I still feel burnt out from the week, and I’m looking forward to my two extra days off, however I’m content for now. I’m hoping to stay content and not be anxious today.. I can handle another emotional breakdown
Standing in line at a grocery store is not when I want to experience anxiety. Deciding if the lunch I am buying is worth it or can I drop my stuff and find the nearest exit. I instantly try to talk to myself, saying you got this, it’s just a little anxiety you can control it, you just need to breath.
I manage to purchase my lunch and start the trek back to work. As I creep closer and closer to the building I feel a sense of panic set in. I find myself trying to find an alternate route so I don’t run into anyone. I really can’t handle a conversation, I really can’t devote any of my energy to you. I need to be selfish and conserve as much energy I can so I can mask this.
I feel as though all my actions are being observed by onlookers, important people are around me, looking, judging… wondering about me.
If only you knew what was going on in my head? As I’m sitting here with my headphones blaring and writing this post, I glance at the time and more panic sets in, why why now?
The panic is real, and I just want to hide away to conserve all the energy I can so I can deal with this day.
The Anxious Mind
Yesterday was a better day, it wasn’t an amazing day, but it was better. The exhaustion of last weekend was finally laid to rest Sunday evening. A long talk happened and after that, it all started to fall into place. What was foggy, began to clear away.
Dark days are difficult on your own, but when you have to be supportive to someone who is also suffering those dark days, it becomes a real challenge. It really challenges you on your own mental stability, and when all of those anxiety instincts come into place you fight your hardest to stay put and not run away.
When the person who is normally your rock breaks down, it is difficult to watch, experience and be present with them. You get flashbacks of your darkest days and you never ever wish this on anyone. When you see that person breakdown, you wish you could take it away from them so that they can be your rock again. Seeing someone else suffer through what you have suffered through is extremely difficult.
Essentially, Mental illness fucking sucks, there is no better or nicer way to say it. It fucking sucks!
The Anxious Mind